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As people live longer and divorce rates increase, there are a great many so-called senior citizens who are seeking relationships. These seniors are comprised of men and women who have experienced the death of a spouse, the end of a marriage, and even a bunch of never-been-marrieds. We are seeing an increasing number of online dating websites and a variety of activities designed to help men and women meet up with one another.
I have noticed an increase in the number of people in this age bracket coming into my office for individual psychotherapy, sex therapy, and relationship counseling stimulated by a new relationship or the desire to improve an old one. People are becoming more aware of their increased life expectancy and desire to make it the best they can.? Years ago when people reached their 60s, 70s and 80s, they had all but given up living. When I was a boy folks over 60 were ancient; now that I am 75 I look at them as kids!
Dating when you are in the autumn or winter of life is different than dating when you are in your 20s, 30s, or 40s. In the early years you are seeking sex appeal, chemistry, physical attractiveness, and if you are looking for a permanent mate, you would add financial security, as well as attributes that would make for a good parent.? During these years, you do not spend a lot of time with your partner primarily because of employment and child-rearing responsibilities.
As you move into your 60s and beyond, however, you may be seeking someone with whom you share common interests, similar temperament, and someone with whom you enjoy spending your time.? Physical attractiveness and sexual attraction, though important, may play a lesser role as you age. When you are dating in your 70s you may be seeking someone with whom you can see yourself spending a considerable amount of time. People in this group are either retired or about to retire. They have more time available for leisure activities and would prefer to do these activities with a partner. Seniors are less concerned with such issues as parenting, career planning, sexual prowess, and making an impression. They are interested in conversation, companionship, common activities, security, comfort, and friendship.
Romance and sexual activity are important throughout one?s life. Unfortunately, however, many seniors have given up on the notion of having romance and sex in their later years. They think that they are ?too old for that sort of stuff? and have all but given up on thinking that they will have a romantic partner and sexual life in their later years.? I wish I could dispel that notion. Romance and sexual activity can be a part of your life until you die!? However, it takes on a different meaning and even a different style than when you were younger.
Young people often view sexuality as a sport. They tend to be in a hurry. Issues such as performance anxiety, frequency, and number of partners rank high when you are in your 20s, 30s, and continues even into the 50s. However, when you reach 60 and beyond, you learn that sex is more than merely experiencing a climax. Seniors are more interested in fulfillment, connection, and playfulness. Seniors view romance as a leisure activity for its own sake rather than as a prelude for hopping in the sack for hot sex. Romance is a time for intimacy, for sharing, for reminiscing, and connecting. It is a time to feel sensuous and loving.
Senior sex is more of a time to share the physical pleasures of cuddling, of a warm embrace, and for deepening a connection through physical contact.? It is more about showing affection and taking your time than it is about performance and being rambunctious. The arousal phase of love-making is longer; foreplay becomes even more important and even more pleasurable.? And it may take on more novel forms. Many seniors have found that they enjoy the physical pleasures of sexual contact and discovery more as they age than when in their youth when self-consciousness and orgasms dominated their thinking.
As we age we should not be giving up on our romantic, sexual nature. Nor should we be giving up on the activities that we enjoy. Instead, we should be experimenting and finding different ways of doing the things we love to do. Instead of dancing the jitterbug or lindy, we find pleasure in doing the swing, a foxtrot or even a waltz
Just remember, you still got it!? You just do it differently!
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[Dr. Dreyfus is a nationally recognized clinical psychologist, relationship counselor, sex therapist, and life coach in the Santa Monica - Los Angeles. The profits from his latest book, LIVING LIFE FROM THE INSIDE OUT along with his other five books, are being donated to charity through the website Book Royalties for Charity and can be purchased through Amazon.com. Please become a fan on his Facebook Fan Page by indicating "like" on the page by clicking here. You can also find more tools to help you experience a more fulfilling life by clicking here to visit his website.]
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Tags: Aging, awareness, communication, human connection, intimacy, life changes, Relationships, Sexuality, transitions, women's psychology
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